everyones fallin' in love and i'm just loosin' mine.

yesterday, i flew home and i was so sad.

so sad to leave my mom, my brother, you, matt... everything

it breaks my heart into tiny pieces that i have to hold together

you are the only thing that keeps me sane while i return here,

the only thing that keeps my heart from breaking entirely into fine pieces i can't put back together again. So i decided that i need to cheer the hell up, i need to finish these online classes, i need to switch things around so i don't give myself a moment of unpleasantness.

so for new years,

i will keep moving.

i will keep reading.

i will keep loving.

Jack Kerouac

E.E cummings

This blog

A computer game

and the things

i said i'd do in my journal.

oh, well i haven't much to say that hasn't been said before

but i'll be home in seven days and i just want you to drop a line, and i want to pick up my phone, and say hello so please make it a point to do that. because your voice feels like home to me, and you are angered by my slight inability to stay consistent and i know i'm like an ocean wave, but i swear i can be better than the last crash to earth... just give me the moon, and a chance and i promise, i'll always be there for you. the consistency in tidal waves is that they always exist however large or small.

These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which, as they kiss, consume.

i couldn't say it right on the phone because i'm retarded but i need this on me because for whatever reason beyond this point you are the biggest thing to ever happen to me, and i carry you in my heart.

i regret ever leaving but the future holds beauty in its breast and you are hidden in the cracks of my smile so please don't get too big headed but know that i still love you terribly so. and i know the post before said i was afraid to say such a thing, and yes i am still so afraid but you are in every inch of my soul, of my YOUniverse and you are a sparkling epiphany waiting to combust.

btw the second runner up was something you said to me, and that was when i kiss your lips i feel like sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

i can't even tell you that i love you anymore

because i'm too scared you wouldn't say it back.

can i call you and just cry?

will you tell me i'm going to be alright?

will you be alright>

i'm tired of asking myself what the fuck have i done.

you are alright aren't you?

am i the only thing that has ever held you back from audrey?

is she all you want..

do you want me?

i don't know.

There is hope, in every new seedAnd every flower, that grows on the earth And though I love you, and you know that Well I no longer know what that's worth And I'll come back to you, in a year or so And rebuild ready to become Oh the person, you believed in Or the person that you used to love If I'm still here hoping, that one day you may come back

my birthdays been kind of lovely.
just missing you.
got an ipod touch, and tickets for the nutcracker ballet on december 5th.

i have a bottle of vicodin,

the worlds best coffee maker with some whipped cream and pumpkin spice,

and an abundance of money i'd like to spend for some new clothes.

i'm fabulously fucked up, and i dont really care.

i'm going to paint water colors on canvas and get lost under dimmed lighting.

i feel really cracked out,

this is okay though, when ever i decide to go through

unhealthy points in my life... which tends to happen in the winter,

i find self discovery so i welcome this.

being little is great.

being imaginative is great.

drinking this coffee and staying up all night, is great.

and it's okay that i'm just waiting on something to hate but not i sir, not now.

it was storming so fierce last night, pouring rain and leaves and wind.

it was awesome, because it was still warm. i just wanted to sit outside but it wasn't the time,

seeing as if your at a party you don't just run off, unless you have someone to run off with.

i miss that. meet you by the side of your house, kay? kiss me, kay? i'll be home thanksgiving.. kay?...........

how does your heart feel after that one? ..just wondering

and letting you know that i am like a little girl when it comes to you now, you aren't a stranger, and not exactly an imaginary friend. but man, i still feel like i'm crushing on you. even though i dare to say its stronger than that.

you experience me. you re-live us. you're so happy, and then so sad and thats when you realize i'm not there. Thats when you miss me the most.. desperately. tell me i didn't imagine it. tell me that even though are bodies were in separate states our star selves shared an enchanted place. tell me sometime you had a chill on your shoulder, a flutter in your heart, just a taste of everything. tell me you whispered my name.

i'm creepy but you're cute. and uh 'and shes probably going to cry when she looks at this'

video, i just smile. i have a piece of you.

lets make new memories, okay??

sheesh child what kind of messes have you gotten your pretty little head into?!??
oh and i miss you i miss you i miss you.
sailor moon likes dariens modest mouse i dont know i dont know i dont knwo i think so's.
because i do think so, and i carry you in my heart, i carry you in my pocket, i look at you through my eyelashes, and i snuggle up to you when i sleep.

i was thinking the other day
as i do every day, but i'll never forget that ' I Fucking Miss You '
because it set the eggs sunny side up. but, no really...
what i have been wanting to tell you is..

i appreciate you, i love every breath that comes from you,
i've been almost quite lost in a way this past however long, i can't count the days,
or the ways your mispresence has fucked me sideways.
and i mean that quite literally. jesus, i wanted this to come out better

but you mean the world to me,
you make me litterally happy,
you give the ability to make my world turn upside down,
i knew i still loved you when i read that text and my ears got red, along with my face and my heart started beating so fast... like kissing you for the first time.. you just don't know
i'm going to cry just writing this to you. if you have to be in a slight distance i understand but i think of you so much, and now since you've been slightly gone... i really know what my life is with you.

i fucking love you, i always will
you have saved me jerrod.

distance is trying to make me forget,

and when i first caught sight of it, it had to be the scariest thing

my heart had ever felt or let come to fester. but you make me so damn angry,

enemies are better than strangers huh? I never wanted you to be either, and life

is so fucking strange and like I said I just wanted to find the words to explain everything.

Without being cryptic because i have just read yours i'd like to say.

~ I am so angry at you....

I am so angry at life

I'll never hate you, but i have enough destain of situations to.

and it makes me so mad you see how much perfection you can actually be to those who are oblivious and have no idea of your integrity.

and my god i fucking miss you

and everything is telling me not to. especially the fact you had to get everything off of your chest, i have nothing to say i just want to run up to you and hug you, and if youd like it that way never speak again but you were something real and i fear for the entire mystery of what come next to actually happen.

i still have that string around my wrist,

i still have that necklace on my neck,

i fear to wear that ring so i keep it in my purse,

empador de las narajas hoy has tears in his eyes, and can't remember his smell.

and in all truth i just feel like crying

and you wouldn't know what goes on because i dont want to complain

i just fucking miss you with my whole heart, and wish that

my greatest accomplishment in life wasn't pushing everyone away,

you say you drop someone at the tip of the hat, but i dont even need that tip of the hat, i'm litterally scared of having anyone know me from this point on. i was never afraid of knowing you and now i just need you.

i'm so alone. please.... dont be just a dream you're real you're real.

i got a suprise yesterday, unexpected and a shift of wind, an old old friend.
just to add to the perfections of 3 lit candles and a stick of incense
and my oh my, my cup of coffee is growing cold, but i'm fucked up and i'm tingling and
life needs more moments like this.

life needs bon iver wolves act I and II
and cold fingertips when i'm begging you to kiss them warm, and i can feeeeeeel you
but i cannot see you. its a thought of mine that i'll never quite let you go, so life so my heart, is giving me the chance to always love you, forever.

that secret that you know,
that you don't know how to tell,
it fucks with honor,
and it teases your head,
but you know that its good, boy.
because its running you with read.

aint this just like the present to be showin' up like this?
theres a moon weaning crecent,
we started to kiss.

you break my heart over and over again and you've never even hurt me.
i just miss you, i live for the love you make me feel,
you make me, want to paint.
and sit in my room instead of going to class and being fucked up, and listening to bon iver and romancing myself over a cup of coffee and boniver. i just miss the shit out of you. i do.

if I came home at this exact moment... what would you do?
Would it be sunshine after the rain, and would I forget the pain of being in such a place, would you?
i'm expressing my fears, though I know i have no foundation for them to withstand.
just please give me one hand to hold on to, or two arms to cling to, and a phone to answer and i think i might be okay.

theres no place like home
theres no place like home
theres no place like home

if only these ruby slippers would work, or ruby magic was a real magic to exist, not just a soundtrack of my love for you.
were you the only trace of it left?

this is how i feel when i'm with you.
this is the color of my love, its the yellow hue of the warm sun,
and you are penetrating though my skin, and into my heart,
yet with the same comfort of sunrise and a cup of coffee.

i'll wish to be your mirror tonight, but you know you shouldn't have to look anymore.
i'm ruining the chances of you ever wanting anyone else, or at least i hope because you're just too good to be true, and you are just ruining me, i feel like a fruit that's too ripe, or a drink too sweet. but, thank you for loving me. mr.rapid-beating-heart. you're rattling my cage, and setting me free. i love you.

and i don't ever want to wake up from this dream. this vivid mess of my pounding heart, and shaking limbs. you are the wind, and i am but i tree dancing about with your slightest caress. kissing me with soft whispers, and between covers and blankets. your dialated pupil is a universe i want to fall into. the curves of your smile, i only hope to rest a while, singing you to better thought, and petting your face like i did when we first met. and we, we are so stupidly baby happy to the cd i made you, if i could turn the pulled of thread from your blanket into a kite string to let us fly, i'd be blue with your sky. and we would never return, and i would love you like i could never ever love a human soul, and we'd have the silly married life we pretended to have a few moments ago, when i would read, and you would grab my leg, and we'd have sex with white comforters, and roll around. and i'd make you pancakes in the morning and coffee you wouldnt drink, and you would just have to give me sunday breakfast in bed, cus you too would love me like you have never loved another human soul, and we'd be full and whole with love, just like we were full with breakfast. and we'd never stop winking at eachother, and you would stll grab my ass like it was top secret. we were 3,5,6,14,16,30, and 70 years old today i lived my whole damn life with you and loved every minute of it. nothing in this world, in my dreams was more real than you holding my face kissing my cheeks and forehead, and telling me to never forget you. and how could i forget you? how my romeo, my blanket prince, my youniverse, could i forget you?and when i leave back to michigan, and finish school i will come back to you, and no matter where you are or who you're with i will love you. and we will be kite strings.

i mean what would your ideal life be? what were your plans with me? i want toknow. please tell me

in a middle of a room
stands a suicide
sniffing a Paper rose
smiling to a self

“somewhere it is Spring and sometimes
people are in real:imagine
somewhere real flowers,but
I can’t imagine real flowers for if I

could,they would somehow
not Be real”
(so he smiles
smiling)”but I will not

everywhere be real to
you in a moment”
The is blond
with small hands

“& everything is easier
than I had guessed everything would
be;even remembering the way who
looked at whom first,anyhow dancing”

(a moon swims out of a cloud
a clock strikes midnight
a finger pulls a trigger
a bird flies into a mirror)

~e.e cummings

my very most favorite poet, for the most amazing person.
when the two trains collide, it would be something of the clock striking midnight, the moon swimming out of a cloud, all we're left to do.. is be happy.
and the stars, are smiling down on us. because they are wise, and they know, they know so much more than we do. they've been seeing and dying much longer than we will ever have the chance to. but i will always have that moment, i will always remember 'how who looked at whom first,anyhow dancing' how would i be the one to know you we're thinking someone is going to marry that girl.

you are my smiling star, and the pebble at my feet.

"These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume." Left with the same questions as you, what fire and powder are we left to consume? With every kiss what fate would have us? obviously, something worth the while. It would have to, there's nothing in this world that could tell me more than my own heart. but, then what does that say? You see my open affection, as it envelopes me beautifully, casting a dream over life, unseen like the air we breath. And if i chose to feel these things...
"What ’s in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.' Don't you see whats happening? I could pretend to others, but the lies stop when i look to you. Your eyes, warm, and soft away from others trying to peak inside. you cast a light upon me, i am not alone with you.. i know. It's discombobulatingly wonderful, bewildered as this fate, [you] have come upon me like a fever. i can only look to this situation with crazy kitten eyes, would you stop with your string? it's enticing me as you well know. oh, but please don't stop. should there be so much to say? I could just fold you in the corners of my smile, as to eternally hang on these gestures of words. As i did, as I do when i read or hear of anything you say. about how you’re looking oh so lovely, patiently how you smile. i can feel your eyes on mine, as if the sun had once again kissed my body. scorched with passion is my heart, what poison you are, but so sweet, i'm living in a dream. and once again i am tingling with the warmth i feel in your soul, like you tickling my legs, or holding my face, or breathing your air, you are simply always just there. secretly, undeniably, in certainty.

"What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real." — Miranda July

~*"Give me one room to come home to.Give me the palm of your hand.
Every strand of my hair is a kite string
and I have been blue in the face with your sky,"
— Andrea Gibson, from “Maybe I Need You”

i am just the kind of person.


god i wish i had written that down!
i need a mouse, that can write and understand english,
so then i can tell him all my ideas, and with his little
typewriter he can record them for me.

its much cooler than just buying fieldnotes, or a recorder.


the downside is that.. well i may never find such a clever mouse..
and his typewriter will be awfully small.

i love coffee, vanilla to be exact
i hate sundays, but mondays arent much better
i love when i stick my arms out and ride my bike, and just want to scream.
i love wishing that i was invisible, just enough to scream
i hate when my room is messy
i hate cleaning it
i love sunflowers,
and feeling a certain color each day.
but no one knows that every color for me means something,
orange is for feeling free,
red is so deep in melancholy, and the bittersweet, so very bittersweet throws of love and how to think and feel.
and purple is dreaming, and happy
and so on an so forth.
i love when it thunderstorms
i love when the sunshines
i hate when it just rains for days,
but love to play in it at night.
what storms are like in my sleepy little universe, and how i feel unstoppable.
no one could touch me, no one can protect me. and i like it that way.
i love sleepy white boy kitty
i love the cat returns,
i love more things than i hate
i love pictures of feet, and smoke curls,
and cursive writing, and more than anything,
just dreaming and dreaming.....

The Sylvia Plath effect is a term coined by psychologist James C. Kaufman in 2001 to refer to the phenomenon that creative writers are more susceptible to mental illness. Kaufman’s work demonstrated that female poets were more likely to suffer from mental illness than any other class of writers. This finding has been discussed in many international newspapers, including the New York Times. The finding is consistent with other psychological research studies.

• dill pickles (for fried dill pickles!) [i've been craving]
• lemonade & tazo green tea
• [hair] bleach

i have to write EVERYTHING down.

**

they say you can never think anything that hasn't already been thought of,
well.. maybe that's true. but everyone knows the feeling,
of when this original thought comes to view, and it washes over you like a wave,
you want to live your life entirely enveloped by this jumble of connecting receptors,
it's original, because you've never heard the words forming this thought.
so what if someones dove deeper, flew around the idea more,
its beautiful because its you, and it's a connection to everyone who has ever thought what
you are currently.
besides, you're not alone.

girl with windblown hair,
pink flowers, soft with passion.
the intensity of m83,
mild spring sunrise,
when the sun finally starts adoring earth,
smooth with the curves of natures love.I cant
decide

I went on a bike ride yesterday,
pictures soon, when i get around to putting them up/

I'm still getting lost in my dreams again,
I gave a speech that I really meant, in a situation thats never really happened to me.

It makes me sad to see things untouched, and unopened.
Paintings, never painted? brushes never lathered? Its all very odd.
Even if you don't know your direction, its really fun getting there.

I will not(for as long as possible) give advice out, that I, myself, cannot follow.

you've gotta live free, to stay free.

please stop raining~
i'll have to thank the sun for shining again, but thats okay.
because i mean, i'm thankful for everything.

i really do like reading what people have to say, and what their going through.
i also not so secretly love knowing what people have to say even when i have never had the chance to meet them, and may never even. just you know,.. to feel what they feel or be amazed because someone can feel what i do without ever knowing. ya know?


"You and I have a special talent," Claire says to Drew. "And I saw it immediately. We're the substitute people. I've been the substitute person my whole life. I'm not an Ellen [a co-worker Drew was into]. I never wanted to be an Ellen. And I'm not a Cindy either…I like being alone too much. I mean, I'm with a guy who is married to his academic career. I rarely see him and I'm the substitute person there. I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure."

Nobody wants to be a substitute person. We just claim that the position is acceptable because we're afraid that nobody will ever consider us an original. But along with way, most will consider us substitute people and that's not a knock against them or us. They have an original in mind and for whatever reason—justified or not, we don't live up to it.

The problem comes when we embrace substitute person status, like Claire did, because embracing it means that we'll never get to see wonder in the other person's eyes as we tell him or her about our theories, our beliefs, our hopes, and our dreams. It means we'll never get that all-knowing, all-understanding hand-squeeze, or look from the person we love that says, "I know exactly what you are thinking or feeling and I want you to know that it means just as much to me as it does to you."

i should have been british,
it'd work better as i stammer through my words.
i mean, it sounds kind.. of calming and nice,
not like i'm eating my tongue you know?

i won't sleep tonight, i like this i can do this.
i can. i wish i had a bike, to kind of ride into clouds with,
a bike thats specifically made for such a thing.

or you know a dream machine, before its made illegal.
minus the price. or just hang birds from the paper tissue and water color
i got today, i dont know what to do.
but for one, there must be constant music to fill the silence,
thats when the kittens don't cry too.

*the giant bicycle.
thomas rosenthal
~~

these things that happen in dreams,
they just dont seem to have a face, they just have a sort of.. presence.

i don't believe anyone else is real right now,
i am in an orange box, and no one exists, because no ones
really paying attention.

a lot of things are sort of dreams, i mean you know,
fading into nothingness, you barely remember that they ever happened,
yet you feel it touch the edges of all of you, for an entire day, anything other than a dream
is much longer than a day, but it pulls at you. you know? like your a thousand contraptions put together, designed with specific functions as you fall apart. its like a system shutdown, the waRNing ticks, and alarms go off within you, and you get anxious and scared in those parts of movies with the suspense, when you KNOW that the plot will end perfectly, its the same thing, you know you wont die, but you want the tick to reach 0, just so you don't have to feel, but then you realize how great feeling is, like i do now, and everythings running smoothly just for this night, and like a quote said, you think when you experience something oh my god, i am going to die, but then you LAUGH because... how many times have you felt that way?

its what makes you real, this stupid balance.

i watched closer today, that and the virgin suicides.
both beautiful movies, and sophia coppola leaving me with the real thing..
i wanted something to make me cry, not about you. not about what's happened.

i don't need to hurt myself for something that isn't my fault. not saying it won't hurt,
but enough of that. i don't want to think it or hear it, and i doubt you do. i'm not here to be pitied or to hurt you. you'll hurt on your own.

perfection is more of a fairytale than my own offbeat realities. i like things because they aren't perfect, and because they aren't consistent.

so much for not putting up significant songs on my myspace, but you would obviously now know.
god im dying not to pick up the phone, but since you haven't i'll take it as a sign.

i need to stop.

• crinkle paper bodies of nature, and paint.
  

thank god someones getting out of this,
this horrible chain of events, of sour love, and sour things,
and sour patch kids.

what is love?

your allowed to like something just because it is,
not because it has some style about it, or the compositions correct,
or even if its not, and its horribly unprofessional and fucked.

great photojournalism angle there, dick.

enough of that anyways, something smells like dog.
the weathers great today, i kind of layed on the pavement.
i'm all sorts of ill today though.

i kind of liked how gentle your hand looks on her breast,
and how calm you looked as the wind blew you away, and back dropped the ocean around you.

i have a terrible feeling about today,
ill let you know if im right.

don't ask me what anything means
too ill

RAH IM THE DINOSaUR OF FUCKING THINGS UP.
RAAAAAAAAAH

today is for me.

I wish i could stop being so irritable and impulsive just for a second.

of course you would,
you must be a follower,
go kiss all that's not real,
and find me when your done
pretending, that theres something greater
out there for you and i.

when a caterpillar sees a butterfly,
does it know?

I pray you have something more interesting to show for, than the photos you pose for, post up, and quotes you copy, but in an entirely positive manner.

signed me in and told me i should post a pictures.

i can't stop thinking about stop frame videos of birds flying on strings.
and all of this german music, but not german music just german writings on
their page, and how i don't know what their saying, and the interesting photos
and artwork surrounding.

or how its raining, and the ground smells wet, and damp of thousands of years of earth.
and the crate myrtle beside my window with beads of buds trying to flower.
the candles still flicker even if i dont watch them, and it still smells wonderful in here.
its all about the crafts, and close pins, and pictures hanging from strings.

and life, and how i still see it as wonderful, even though i got pulled over last night.
you play with the nameless guy, guitar on the streets of paris, while i am here, giving my
dreams a little more time to flourish in the blooms and throws of spring, and love, and passion.

i am going to do everything in my life, at which i seek to do, and its funny because i am so positive, and determined, and almost entirely unafraid of being out on my alone. as long as i have built my nest of love, and allies. follow what the tea leaves told me.

id really like to see the hair fall around your face, and be in the palace of christmas lights and stars, little people living in each prism and break of light going into one dimension, or just being a blanket princess ruling over my warm orange blanket kingdom.

nothing can stop me, isn't that a scare to everyone else i know?!?!?

my spotless mind.

Your Daily Number: 5

You're so quick witted and restless today that you may consider taking a trip or being more social than is usually your nature. You're also prone to boredom, so look for new ways to tackle old problems. Today is wonderful for self promotion, retail, or selling anything.

Going to the store, to get some clothes pins, and possibly some beads to dress this project up a little. Says its good for me ey? yeah?

I'm REALLY going to watch eternal sunshine today,

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! / The world forgetting, by the world forgot / Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! / Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd.

-orange sunshine by freshcut. you can look up their page on myspace. its fucking beautiful!

what are we without love, or pain? what are we without wanting to forget, the every details we remember? like the smell of breath between kisses, a tonic fit only between those two people, or the end of your breathing sigh, and your laugh, or accents in your voice. that is true to you, and without you, i'd wish to forget but I blissfully remember.

my mind has spots, and patterns of ocean ripples and waves. but, if it were spotless, i'm sure it would be eternal, but the sunshine lives within the spots of my mind. And, that's eternal within itself.

• memory box.

today.. is this songs day. it's living, i'm so glad its orange, i'm so glad i am orange right now, yo kata, yo kata, yo kata.

This is me, this is now.

we need noun to be the apple of our eye.
we need something to be the vicious fruit of our labor,
not so much always a someone, but definitely a noun.

this week mine was latex liquid in a deep tangerine, plus
the cold hard fucking REAL hard iron in nails, and
pine scent in floor.
i'm pleased, I have my haven, and my blue curtains to block the world from me,
or me from the world, given the day or second in time.

i live life a second behind, and YA KNOW WHAT?
so do you, because as humans we don't realize whats happened until one (& some odd decimal)
that its happened. ah the road, how damn interesting.
so shoot me in the head with your words, arrow me through the heart with your passions, ill keep grabbing, but a second later.
i promise you that, i'm late anyways.

oh,
sorry..
roger..
you..
TIGA
NOW!!!!!!!!!!

SO I did the deed.
I painted my room orange, and I ripped up the carpet,
like I said I would! It feels so wonderful to complete a goal, I love my room too!
I havent finished organizing, and nothings on the walls, but I'm still content, I don't want it too be too busy in here like before. Its tranquil, yet surprisingly energizing.



I am beautifully happy with life right now, It could also be the drugs. But, they're working, so who cares! I am positively productive, and hardly destructive.

It smells like lemon oil in here/
pics soon to show the world!
oh, and cherry blossom adventures.

By the way,

New goal:

**~ Live In a house where I've planted 10 Cherry blossom trees to fill the ground!

i'm tired of the peace war bullshit,
do I really know the experience? of course I don't
but I do know the sympathy of childrens bones,
that deserve much more than a shallow grave,
these actions are to much of a concequence, more than
if they'd misbehaved.
All I want is inner peace, inside of me. hopefully springing like a tree,
flooding my veins, and arming me. With much more than just words,
energy, to possess, and repossess and carry on to others, who feel and
are much weaker than I. We don't need wings to fly.


~~~
thinking of going on a walk but all this is, thinking thinking thinking!
affirmative action now.

to do list: (these help with my ever racing mind!)

• To see the ocean (but not today) (p.s I have before, I just desire)
• To painters tape my room, to move in the burnt orange on my walls
• get orchids, but the fake kind to wrap around things.
• sand my floors!
• sand my dresser, and get new knobs (this is a new project even if I WONT be here for long.)
• clean my room in the first place!

I'd like to see this once again too, I remember the still quiet, of being in this place, and being followed by a fox, that thought he was too clever, with a man with ice, in his heart.

Feeling feeling...
BETTER.

Suffice it to say, that i DO NOT have the stomach flu,
after 3-4 days of death. The weirdest thing is, I can't really tell whats happened in real life with whats gone on with my dreams.

That or I'm having a hard time placing images and dates together correctly. Because OBVIOUSLY, you didn't say all you really need is water and sex and there were no monks visiting me. But, really, I was in Nirvana. I'm still not all here, but that might be all the chemicals my body naturally produces fogging me from so much sleep. I'm just happy to be better, but bummed the sun can't be out today because I feel just as bright.

I need to stop reading this lovey dovey break your heart and feel shitty blog, but its so interesting and some of the quotes just grab me like you wouldn't fucking believe.

(New artist, you like ey? yeah.. me too!)

but, I've come here to tell you that my new obsession, is Yogi tea, because it feels so personalized and the little fortunes they put on your bag, I feel like.. I'm making a toast! (to said things)

So far, I have these fortunes:
(I may just take pictures) [at some point not now.. you know me]

• Every heartbeat creates a miracle
• Dignity and tranquility last forever
• Bliss cannot be disturbed by gain or loss

I had about 5 more but, I can't even begin to know where they went... ITS NOT LIKE I'D THROW THEM AWAY. I truly appreciate them. Its such a little thing, you know? I really love the detox tea, Its got fucking black pepper in it! I have tounge and nose like a hound so I snuff out things, and that truely suprised me.

Ooooooooh HOW I Lo00uve to be inspired. and LoUve is so much better to say than love, because how many times have you told someone you Louve them? Its absolutely fabulous dahling, as I say that in my accent you love so much. That and strawburries! yes! strawburries!

i miss you when i’m not with you. do you understand that? every moment that i am not with you, my body cries for you. i need to hear your voice. my body aches for you. not necessarily sexually, although i miss that, too. my body cries for your presence, and it hurts me. i crave your touch. i crave your kiss. i crave all of you. and you are so far away.


Truth be told, these phone lines I can deal with. Of course I want to hold you, of course I want to see you everyday but just because I can’t doesn’t mean I’m going to give up on you. You don’t see it the way I do, you tell me if we’re meant to be, we’ll be together in the future. I don’t want another sad song to remind me of you. I want you to wake me up, call me, and say ‘be with me.’ Despite the distance, just be with me. I would be so happy to hear you say I love you. Planes were invented for us. Please be content with kisses over the phone. It’s not the distance that counts. It’s the love.






I can handle this love, it is a perfect love. it is right now, and it is right on time.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

WELL HELLO.
seems i have this habit, of dying off, where its much to hard to convey my brains
............, out like a radio, i'm transmitting signals making vibrations sometimes larger than myself,
but they come back to calm me down.

i'm the kind of person who severely needs their alone time.
when i do not have my alone time.. I don't even feel like myself, i can't transmit, i can't receive, and can't put colors in my skies, or colors upon my sleeves, or down to the flow of the river in my veins. I can only see the life of me splashing around, from side to side, leaving little entrails of the human presence thats almost transparent and hardly there.

so today, is my day to do nothing, for the sake of my well being. but, never literally nothing, but its me today. and only me, because i get way to lost in everyones vibrations to see which ones are my own sometimes.

on the other hand, I have 11 cats. I pray to whatever there is out there to please just.. give them good homes, with people who love kitties as much as i do.

I like these:

id like to melt into the bubbles in my bath please.

Utopian Escapist.

I like these,
I'm totally up for a new project.
To turn things upside down, or to the side or facing the sky.


Even being awake is like dreaming.
Although i'm missing one particular utopian escapist, to the
dreaming-dreaming in the land of utopia.

I like these things tonight:

(The drug models love) I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT./
all of their music.
French Vanilla coffee,
Cats. oh &

~**~~``` I couldnt resist.

N-DulGe.
iNDULGE.
in hot baths she says, so I do I SAY.


but i do say that i'm not even half way creditable to woo you, on what
it is that you'd like to be wooed. I'll stress you, and kill you slowly,
and I will be the anxiety attack of Christmas wrapping and happenings.
i'll be deviant, yet divine, and oh so kind. And so brilliant, a string strung string
strung of Christmas lights so bright. I may blind you, I am ever so confident in my
abilities, but aren't you?


!*!*!*!*~~~~~~
jap'EN jaaaaa'pn


JAPAN

where we will go to be lost, to be lost together, and so drunk, on stepping stones, and ancient thrones, lost in the waves and throws of love, and lovers, and tossing and turning, living and learning, being and becoming, one, and one another, and one with each other. because we are me, and you are we, and me is you.
lmfao.

Today, If I may say, I am THE proud owner, of Lost in Translation. Despite all difficulty.

Quotes or photo's for the days! I SAY

Instead of always waiting and wanting why aren't we creating, and making these ever so simple things happen?
"Don’t base your decisions on the advice of people who don’t have to deal with the results."

I don't even think you could DEAL with my results anyways, it's always been easier for you to be living thinking you were correct but what if I understand this point of you, and jumble that around like I did every other aspect of your life? Then what would you do? You'd have a hard time living it down, that's what.

I won't see this as revenge, even though it tickles me.

There was this one time, I was driving down the road, and there were these trees, they were so perfectly aligned, and the light went through the spaces in between, and turned into such a deep darkness, I thought it was kind of eerie, then, I also saw three children running into those woods, I can't get that frame out of my head, or the desire for having a camera at the said time. The kids running in to the woods, were just as eerie, i'd never been so curious as to what they were doing, or even if they knew how magical it looked!

I don't think anyone saw it as i did, anyways.



Did you know when a butterfly lands on you, It's good luck?
'well, when I was younger my mom would always say that she used to sit in the grass, all day.'
'she sat in the grass waiting for butterflies to land on her, you know why?'
'because it's good luck, and my father wasn't the nicest man'


But, ever since then a better soul has
touched my life
in between, and I have always
lived with this thought since.

This blog isn't really even about my day, its where i've been, who i've been, sometimes i believe its possible to not even see things with your own eyes for a while, like its possible to look at light coming out of a window, and not really be human, when waking from a dream. I see the sunshine coming in through my windows, and lighting my ceiling, and its like the first time its ever happened always.








Cheers to being the rainbow around someones cloud. The blade of grass as another is dancing free, or the dancing free, and free to be. The vanilla that settles at the bottom, the tummy ache of too many cups of coffee. The red nose, from the cold winter and weathers. The butterfly landing on your shoulder, the strike of luck that comes from within. Being within yourself, the little cracks in your foundation when you realize you are all you will ever need. Or the 'You' in the 'You are all I need'. Or the seed, and stem of something planted, The lone sunflowers I can only hope will live. The tired eyes, and unsaid words. Or everything you've ever heard all over again. Inflated lips, or the noise of a ring on the phone. The 'love' of all your I love yous. That last hazy thought before you go to sleep, and the first blurred vision when you awake. The breaths you take, all the stupid food you're trying to eat so that finally you won't feel like shit, the feeling of shit, the feeling of happiness, the inspiring parts of movies, A book you can't help but read over and over. The goals on your list you have completed, and the ones you have not. The intro to a song, or the lone intro because its the only part you like. Or the song you don't even like anyways, or your favorite song. The bubbles in the bathtub, the kitties lingering above, the pages of your journal, the purple pin ink, the flow of color in your hair, the drop of rain as its living to die, the blue swirl, all the places you've ever wished you could be. the yellow on the petals of a flower, the beauty when something is new, the downfall and crash of being too content, the good of your karma, and certainly the bad, all the things you've said that didn't make sense, the needle of the earings you wear every day, the hair thats in the floor, the light thats filling the room, the fragrance of the nag, the heat and flame of the candles, the chill of the cold fingers, that crecendos of zachs voice in singing splendor, and the very element of your weird, strange personality, going along with all of our affections.
(& every indie movie that has ever changed your life)

'I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. '









How is it so easy to feel beautiful, just when someone pushes the hair behind your ears? It makes me FEEL beautiful, I didn't say look beautiful, no not at all, I could look like an elf, or rat on crack who knows. But, at least I feel good you know?

• Beirut in concert before I die, and many times at that.
• Make a story book

• Don't kill my plant.

usually.. dreams change my life.
like last nights, i'd never slept so soundly.

this is literal, by the way.
i don't know where it started, or where it ended.
But, its paris. these shabby, but still eloquent apartments are connected through
each other by wine gates. so i'm supposing that we all loved wine, and didn't mind sharing it.
but I'm in the car with a few other heads, driving and pointing and being fascinated by everything
around me, there's a cliff, with the most crystal clear looking tropical waters, but as i look away that huge cliff turns into a huge tree with a road paved on top of it. theres a winding tree with the most amazing looking moss growing on it. AND all of these flower trees! As i'm walking with you in the spring, and realizing i am in love and everything is blooming, and I feel hot air around me, blowing on my skin. It just FEELS so nice! then retreating back, and eating in a bathtub?

it was a story, and it was SO real.

I can't keep my mind from it!
and i was thinking.. as i was using the bathroom..
since energy is never distroyed, (and these are just questions and ramblings.. I have my own theories) (and I know this is a funny thing to think about on the toilet) where does a humans energy go after death? is it recreated into another birth happening at the same time? do we live this cycle until every energy is spent? WHERE DOES IT GO? where does love energy go? when everythings been lost, or where do things go when they are forgotten? does someone else remember at the very same time? these are just basic questions with even more detail to them than what i've written.

Oh, and I saw luna's white lover, artemis today, he is such a beautiful little cat. I wonder what his real name is!

You were born inside of a raindrop
I watched you falling to your death
And the sun, well she could not save you
She'd fallen down too, now
the streets are wet

Body of water
Toxic and timeless
Atlantic ocean
New York skyline
I always get lost
When I leave the village
So I couldn't come meet you
In Brooklyn last night

But I sing glory from my lowest
And I will say peace to
the people I meet
While the world waits for an explosion
That instant of life
That wipes the slate clean

So don't be fooled
No don't get lied to
Love was always cruel

~**~~~

My stomach is acheing.

I'd really like to watch Lost in Translation.
I've been craving that movie, is that even possible? I don't know.
I really just love scarlet johanson, and especially and particularly Bill Murray.

Or just how its not even so much a romance, and its just two people at entirely different places in their lives coming together. I'm not here giving a detailed review

I just remember the first time I saw it, It was 6 in the morning, I hadnt gone to bed.. The ending of summer it was sunny, yet still foggy outside, I sat in my living room floor just intently peering in this movie, and the ending song 'just like honey' had totally sent me soaring off like some movies do. Where you feel such a welling happiness inside of you, that it drives you entirely insane from the type of inspiration you feel.

Or walking around barefoot that very same week with Marrea, another sunny summer day, finding things and little bottles in the lakes sand beds, and just walking around in general and laying in the grass painting on rocks we'd stole from parking lots. Just the summer sun, and dresses and not really caring about much except for feeling free. Like we do.

I mean, I love feeling free. Last night I was free, free to spin around barefoot in my front lawn when it was raining. I love the smell of rain, I was talking to mark about the earthworms in michigan (+ places with such climates) walking home or just walking around puddles with the millions of little earth worms inside, just festering really. It just has such a distinctive smell.

I am cold, other than that, I'm completely wonderful.

drunk, and in a funk and all i know is that
i don't fucking care, that i actually care, that you're not there
not for hugs or comfort, or conflicts and topics confronted,
only 2 deep, but within the secrets you kept it eases the pain,
just a little bit stronger, if only id know a little bit sooner, and
shown it for a little bit longer.

i'm being left for someone 3 times as shitty, and the pains still hitting
the cavities of where my heart once existed, and haunted by all the feelings
i fucking resisted. I know you needed it and I couldnt have been more blind
but fuck don't leave me alone, and behind. god, give me a sign, i prayed for a
chance to be great, but instead i sleep.

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that i know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world...instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me

~*~

These are not necessarily here for my 'amazing' talent in photoshop,
because.. that's non-existent.

I can't wait until our words are alike.
but I still kind of enjoy the fact that my mind can't piece
words together like you, its like you have your own puzzle of words,
where the pieces fit, and mine otherwise would not.

i think the tips of my fingers do need to stop freezing and falling off?

i do have a, grinch-stole-christmas heart. you wait and SEE! I challenge you.

dialing your number just
to hang the fuck up, what am I supposed to say?
am I supposed to tell you I was wrong? because I was.
am I supposed to tell you that you were right? well, you weren't

Its your fault too, so why am I the only one hurting?
you've done things to me, no lover should ever do. But, I let you.

I get carried away.

you're in boston.

i could bet the seats were cold when you sat on them,
i bet you felt kind of awkward as someones glance kept coming your way,
i bet you looked, and then looked away.
probably several times.
i bet you spent most of the time looking at your hands, and moving your feet.
i bet you laughed with your teeth out,
i bet you're looking out the window.
i bet that there is snow.
maybe your hearts bursting, and longing.
maybe like mine is right now.

but heres the twist, what if..
you were sitting there, waiting in the station
and I walked on.
what if you never even knew me, at all.
what if someone so perfect for me was really
just on the bus, close by?
what if.. i just sat right next to you..
and put my hand on your leg, and smiled at you?
you would smile back, and you'd look at me
in the way i don't know, but can only imagine.
then i'd kiss you.
we'd be happy.
its not like this really, but i know when you get home
whether i'm next to you or not, we're watching the
squid and the whale.

it doesn't change the fact that i feel like i've met you a thousand and a 1/2
times over again. all in different ways, i guess with each life i live and die,
there's always a you.. coming into the picture.
its kind of fascinating, don't you think?

..and we'd be happy.

all i want is some coffee, and the veggie burgers
i got last night, and i'll be fine.. until night-time..
when i start playing my music loud,

filling my room with smoke,
and making things come to life.
i don't know why night time inspires me so, but it
does. maybe its because i don't have to look at the dead
trees outside.

i really do have a terrible headache.

Saturday | January 10, 2009

I had a dream, and Im telling you so, because you'd never really know what it was if I hadn't
so there you go!

I could hear children laughing, I remember there were little stones everywhere. Everything was lit with moonlight sort of, like the moon hung high in the sky. Off of a building there was a mechanical dragon, roaring. A woman yelled out her window at me, telling me to come into her home. All I can remember is a green entryway, walking through with reds and purples all over the walls. I came over to the last room, and she was on the telephone, with a man. I guess I knew this man, but he never said his name. She was an asian something or other.. I couldn't even call her human really, and I loved her. I layed in her floor playing with a glass pipe that looked like a creature Id never even saw before. She had moon and star wind chimes hanging from her ceiling, and her walls were orange .She was sitting in a chair and I can remember her smiling at me, It was so strange. But, I started laughing.

I still feel like I'm in a dream.

Friday | January 09, 2009

How i'd love to hop a plane,
hope a train, see what you see,
with the fantastic lights, and a
city so lonely. If only..

Thursday | January 08, 2009

art on coffeecups.

Never become tied up in what you are, or who you think you may be,
because we are all just beings, of many things. live your life considering the
many possibilities, including what you may be after this life.

Tuesday | January 06, 2009

WHY DONT YOU EVER DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF

GO OUT AND DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE
SHED THE WEIGHT OF YOUR MISTAKES HANGING ON YOUR BACK CAUSING PAIN TO THOSE AROUND YOU

I've never felt so enthralled, shaking, angry. I feel what your saying.
Today is rain, against the windows. To day is the song 'Buckets of Rain' by Bob Dylan

I been meek
And hard like and oak
I seen pretty people disappear like smoke
Friends will arrive friends will disappear
If you want me honey baby
I'll be here.

I like your smile
And your fingertips
I like the way that you move your lips
I like the cool way you look at me
Everything about you is bringing me
Misery.

Little red wagon
Little red bike
I ain't no monkey but I know what I like
I like the way you love me strong and slow
I'm taking you with me honey baby
When I go.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
I feel it, my god I feel life changing. This is amazing.
I'm an unstoppable force, i'm flying away, I am the product
of mistakes, and things i wish had stayed.
I'm the feeling in your fingertips as they tingle, from the paper
thats taking you out, out and away from all the things you
wish you had fucking done before, but we're too scared.
but i'm not scared, i'm strong and unaware.
That i am actually aware of what this is actually about.

Thursday | January 01, 2009

ReSoLuTioN

I guess I hope to not feel.. so god damn lonely.
there you have it.

Happy 2009.

& songs about werewolves, and wolves.
And I've now i've been shuffled in, to a world I honestly do not know.

I know nothing of this place, but I know where I'm at, Who I am, and Where I've been.

Oh, I love midnight, and watching fireworks off of a mountain, slightly buzzing from a bottle
of champagne. Slightly buzzing on a few blunts, but fuck everyone with their someone to kiss.
Standing there kind of like almost laughing, as i see everyone falling in to each other.
I have no idea what its like on New Years.

Sunday | December 28, 2008

And-be's

'you have vanished like a cloud'
its raining tonight, im in a room of pale dimmed light
trying to get your hair right. the rhyme wasn't intentional
but it's okay.

i think one of the most frustrating things is being stuck between
a color choice. its like writers block, and forgetting a word or name for
something. yes, that frustrating when you are so focused in.

i am dwelling i did find my color, hair blue, with reds and oranges in between.
i'm pleased. but no where near finished. how do you draw 'graceful eyes'?

i'm a blue swirl, dancing around in the air.
if i could really be anything right now.


The And-be's
I awoke in the middle of the night, to rain singing. Rejoicing as it hit the cool earth.
As I started to jump out of bed, I realized I had no feet. Then, no arms in front of me.
I was free, as wind to twirl and be. I was a blue swirl waving, and dancing in the air. I slipped under the cracks and crevices of my faltered foundation, taking time to realize the living creatures in between. Saying hello, as they lived their days. Saying goodbye, as they left to dream. They were free, to dream and be. Fluent in the twists of my wispy silhouette, I leaped into the raindrops. Curled up in the realm of living and dreaming, I lived in the dreams of those I knew. Marking their minds with the essence of blue. The raindrops faded slowly, vanishing like gray clouds above my head. The sun was rising, and I was smiling. Greeting it also, and thanking it for its warmth. My skin felt as if champagne were poured over it, in an effervescent wave. In the puddles I saw the eyes of humans waking from their slumber. With a similar twinkle and reflection in their eyes, I saw the blue swirl manifesting in the color of their eyes. They would remember, the minds of those who venture farther than the universe, and refuse to only just exist.. The And-be's. Free to dance, free to disappear, see the rain.. 'and be'.

By; me ;)
hope you enjoyed.

Wednesday | December 24, 2008

i wish i had friends here.
nothing will replace the ones i've had.
that's why its so damn hard.

but merry christmas world.

Wednesday | December 17, 2008

will i still be creating these stories with you in mind, and in rooms space?
you know at least you fucking understand.. what it means to understand what someone is pouring to you,
a cup of good fucking ideals, dreams far beyond anything, oceans and seas with depths still pending,
meaning over flowing the bubble bath your taking. you play with the images my words make you think. little fingers creating pictures. No bullshit your damn good at what you do, your sarcasm is pretty, i just want to touch the beauty its made on your soul, and creases of face.

id give anything to be with your spaghetti-o self. as i said a 3 year olds meal of choice. Oh, and mine too!
no, i fuck you not.

Tuesday | December 16, 2008

beirut,
loose leaf---
*~colored pencils,
and mexican dancing mushrooms.
tonight is great.

candles turning into sherbet clouds in your bedroom.

Saturday | December 13, 2008

I am two different people.
I am terrible at both.
I am at opposite sides of the country.
Barely existing in the pair of different coordinates
I am anguished
I just feel like everyone's not real,
like beautifully made Japanese sex dolls..
that make you think your missing out in this great
big thing called 'life'.
Its all inconsistent.
I realize how things change, and how short things are.
I realize that I wish I didn't realize that.
When I get on that plane, I will cry.
Although, I'm not able to tell why it hurts like this.
I just should have said no.

I wish these plastic people would come to life..
just for a second so I had a friend.. just to.. belong to.


fuck.

Wednesday | December 10, 2008

flowers.

I've decided to get a flower on the nape of my neck,
I don't know which is fitting. If I were a flower, I'd smell like warm skin.
laced with nag champa and pachoulli, left-over vanilla coffee, with vanilla perfume
underneath.

I'd never settle with anything less than I planned, always
wanting to be someones sunflower, bright and lanky in the summer air.
but, It's tolerable enough to be a tiger lily. Princess Tigerlily, but never the
girl who didn't get peter pan. Loving you fully, in a selfless manor, oblivious to
what you have to offer in exchange.

I cannot teach you how to love my dear, but I can show you love. Maybe you
would in turn grow from it. What flower would you be? Planting your seed delicately in
warm soil, next to me. What would the smell be on your neck? Would your petals be
soft hands texture? what color would you be? I always saw something so golden in you.

well.. its faery books, and cold weather.
I wouldn't mind settling for a nice cup of coffee, and a phone call.

Monday | December 08, 2008

no one knows the trouble i see, the trouble i see, the trouble i see.

Saturday | November 15, 2008

earthworms

My birthdays in 3 days, the most
strange and golden of birthdays.
Im so interested in what is is you could possibly
be sending me! I hope its just you in a box with
a bow. Id kiss every part of you, as you were being
unwrapped.

I have to go to the post office tomorrow though,
i cannot hold it off longer. i'll walk there.
its been kind of gloomy the past few days,
but its still got that familiar smell i was talking about before,
..you know that smell of dirt, fresh rain, moisture, as the earthworms
come out to play in the little puddles that have taken over the soaked
earth?
and tonight the sky has been pinkish purple, with lightning.
I wanted a storm, I got it. A night storm specifically.

Tonight would be the perfect night to drink all the troubles away,
id really just lay in the rain without a care.




the airborne toxic event - sometime after midnight
what a beautifully sad and terrific song.
check it, bands got talent.