Thursday | September 04, 2008

Lay lady lay, lay across my big brass bed.

His clothes are dirty but his hands are clean,

And you’re the best thing he’s ever seen.

We layed and fell into eachother speaking of subjects almost too painful for us to bare,

Why do we torture ourselves? The floor was hard, but you made everything so comforting. I thought you we’re beautiful. As always, to me.. you were only that.

That’s what made it hard to get away, and you knew it too. Miles away, I cant get away.

736, to be exact. It was the first time I’d put my attention to that song. Now it can do nothing, but remind me of your like eyes, blue and excited.

I never noticed the way you look at me, or the way you rush to comfort me, when

My worlds crashing down, anything in your power to do, you do. And you do it so well.

You’re in my dreams.. and also the ones when im not sleeping. I just love that awkward grace, and squinted eyes, cigg in hand, walking towards me, style about you. The trees never forgave me, the pebbles never forgave me, but somehow you did.

Everything is so simple with you, while im out searching for the cures of everything

That makes me weak. I hear you, cooling me, caressing me, pushing my tresses and stray hair behind my ears, making me feel beautiful, in bare natural nature. And we laugh, as if we’ve never heard anything funnier together. Its almost sick, and frivolous, our humor comes together, and my stomach tightens so viciously to the nonstop laughter. Ive really never been happier. I follow the line as it wraps around my hand, leading to my heart line. And I find you, my hairs in my face, please push it back. I know it may be impossible to make your fingers gently touch my face from this far away.

How could I ever deserve something so wonderful, and gorgeous? Not after my unexplainable mistakes. But its with every breath I take, that I feel that certain love. Sending me beyond the worries of the natural born world. Its okay baby, don’t think twice its alright.

I love you. I do.

p.s- who the fuck is fred bear anyways? I mean really..

I was scared, but my fear is blind. Maybe, going to his grave would ease my failure to believe he is gone.. or in my dreams I could embrace the fact that his presense is in them. Im tired of waking in tears, and screaming “you’re dead” in my dreams. Wherever you are, and however you are.. and whatever leaving earth may be like.. I think we’re connecting away from my waking life. I know it sounds crazy, but I did write a letter when I finally get to see my dad’s grave. I hope for once, I accept you in my dreams. Time is, so slow going here. I mean I guess you’d think an hour behind.. wouldn’t be so much. But it is, the nights are longer. And the warm weather.. stays, and stays.. but I think its great.. the air is different. The way the wind feels when its cool is separate from michigan, it could only be alabama. Speaking of, little river canyon, is an amazing place. I went there this weekend.. the waterfalls were amazing. I am so excited to go hiking there, and to know how beautiful (other than what it already is) in autumn. I just keep noticing things, all the things I never say. I feel like my thought processes, and theoretical ramblings are almost like im writing in a book, or in this very journal entry. So really.. im not trying to sound good. Im currently sweating. And how lovely that is, ive been dancing and cleaning in my room. If anyone were to see my through these almost transparent window coverings, would have to think I was absolutely crazy. Luna had her kittens, and they are beautiful. Now she is back to jumping up walls and playing chase around the house with me. Im still kind of lonely, family is amazing. But I havent really met anyone my age to peak my interest. Im really scared ill never find anyone, that I think is like me.. people are desperate for finding or thinking they really connect and are alike with someone. I don’t want to connect, I want to find someone like me.. and ill probally dislike them. That’s not usual for me to do, but people say you HATE people exactly like you. Hahah The song on now, by a fine frenzy.. reminds me of last year this time, I hate looking back, but love the nostalgia. You always think.. what if nothing will ever be the same?? Its strangely beautiful when things are different, and when they arent at all. Or maybe in between. Because you know, I may just look at this exact moment a year from now, and miss it too, and feel the same. You always have yourself, so never get lost.. or take yourself too seriously.. I really do miss dancing in a minefield with you, with a bottle of whiskey. (Im out for a cigg) this train it goes this way, tonight it can’t go back. (Ryan Adams- Come pick me up) an elizabethtown favorite. Because im triad for sleeping instead. What do you remember of me, what will you always?